I have not been writing lately but that is not the only thing I have not been doing. I have not been sleeping. I do not even recall eating after I am done with my plate. It is as if my mind has been sucked in the no-feelings hole in order to find peace.
The hole is purple and white with salmon strings. Sometimes it covers me like an armour. Other times it washes my every expression like a bleach for the soul. Inside the hole there is a light lukewarm liquid. The liquid appears clear to my earthy eyes but it feels orange. Depending on the time of the day when my consciousness acknowledges that I am still in that hole, the liquid changes flavour. There are times when it smells despair, others when it tastes like excitement…sometimes it even tastes like inspiration and smells like motivation. The latter are usually the times when I seek to float to the surface to take a breath. Yet those times the opening of my mouth causes the expression of all the reactions that the rapid change of smells, colours and scents has caused me. Of course most of the times none of the things I end up uttering make sense. It is actually usually better when they don’t. The times they do they come out as expressions of neediness or utter pessimism – eugh.
Who knew that struggling to float in a lake that looks like the sunset and feels like your most intense emotions can be the image you get when you are numb?
I did try to reverse the effects that the quarantine was having on me. I honestly tried. In my attempt I made it my purpose to colour other people’s lives as well. I felt the need to remind them that there is still light in this darkness. In fact, my main goal was to show them that there is no darkness naturally. They have just turned to stare at their shadow and have turned their back to the sun. This usually causes people to annul their ability to absorb hope from the sun. Why do people refrain from acknowledging that the darkness they are in is a product of their mind? Why do people not change their darkness when it is making them delve into sloth? I wonder how they find pleasure in this helplessness. Does helplessness function like a virus? Does it infect you when you are exposed to people choosing to live in a state of learned helplessness? And does it only present its symptoms in uncomfortable situations? Is the gratification we derive from infatuation the same as the pleasure we get when our learned helplessness is satisfied? Is infatuation a type of learned helplessness? Is this why we seek comfort when we are in a shitty situation? Is this why we seek a face worthy of taking over our control? Is this why we have made it our priority to whine about being single or away from our partners during this quarantine? Are we experiencing our bodily needs on an exaggerated level due to the fact that the virus “learned helplessness” has finally found the perfect timing to express its symptoms? Yes, that did escalate quickly.
I failed by the way. I failed the “project” I made myself completely during this quarantine. My excuse is that we had some family health problems and recently I have been “breaking the laws of the lockdown” to visit the most popular place during the covid-19-era. Correct! The hospital.
The first thought that crosses my mind after a terrible thing happens is “How can I act?”. This is probably something that most of us face to be honest. I guess a lot of you probably rush through the shock to focus on the search for the answer to that question as well. Well, that’s what happens with me. I am placing a call to my mind to find the optimal reaction to an event that has kicked everything off-balance. What follows is that my mind puts me on hold. It often has interesting songs playing when I am on hold. So, don’t be surprised if amidst a crisis I start singing like a weird clown that is trying to prove to you that the balloon giraffe he made you has magical properties. If you are lucky, you might even see me dance to the song on my mind or even act it out. The more demanding the event is the more creative I get. I presume you are trying to place the event into perspective.
It was Sunday evening on this beautifully covid-19 phase. I was painting. My granny fell and fractured her hip. My granny screamed. My mother screamed. I ran and lifted my granny up to place her on the bed. My mom started crying. My aunt visited to check on granny. My uncle joined her later. My uncle freaked out. My mom had freaked out. My aunt was trying to stay calm. I felt the need to make the decisions for everything that happens to granny. The ambulance took two-and-a-half hours to show up. My granny was almost fainting due to the pain. My mother was asking her to sleep. I was trying to keep her awake. I was trying to calm my mother and uncle down. In no time, I had to attend to every single one of them in the house. My mother and I accompanied granny at the hospital. My mother was shuttered. I was singing and dancing – sending her positive vibes. To cut the long story short, granny went through a surgery and is now recovering at the hospital. I visit her every day. I still hear her scream at night so sleeping is not easy. As a result, now that I am writing this I feel exhausted. This is when I acknowledge my position in the sunset hole I mentioned above.
Now that everything is under control and that I have made sure everyone is calm, can I please get a hug and sleep? Will I end up waking up on the first Sunday of 2021 if I do?
I also came to a very obscure realisation. The best way to pause the overwhelming emotion that is building up within you is to force yourself to take a selfie. The combination of your insecurities and the momentary narcissism that you are experiencing annul the expression of the reactions towards any possible event happening. Observe how similar to sociopaths you become when you are chatting with your friends on social media. All the silent “hahah”s and “Oh My God”s, are only truly experienced by the keyboard. As long as the conversation is over your mind gets distracted by some random colourful video that managed to grasp your attention. What is unnerving is that if you try to create music within this phase above you may find yourself coming up with the darkest of lyrics but lacking the correct voice to sing them. Besides, you cannot feel any of the keyboard-felt emotions. They are still on the other side of the glass, even if your darkness is keeping you company during the quarantine.
Featured image: IAMAG